Q.P. Quaddle
6 min readJul 9, 2023


An Out of the Hat Play


Jeremiah Liend

Copyright Jeremiah Liend 2023

This play was written for Out of the Hat produced by Bemidji Community Theater 7/7/2023 based on the following four random elements.

Location : Aisle 5 at the Grocery Store

Object : Great White Shark Fin

First Line : A fart is not an appropriate response to the question.

Actors : 3 Female 2 Male



Mom: An educated and frustrated parent.

Dad: An eloquent although rude parent.

Grace: A sophisticated and well read 8 year old.

Victoria: A reserved though insane 6 year old.

Arthur: A loose cannon maniac 4 year old.


Lueken’s Village Foods, Aisle 5


We are already two hours late

[The stage is empty as we find ourselves in the breakfast food aisle (5) of a grocery store. Enter the family in an ungainly mass. Dad has the shopping cart or basket, Mom is looking at her phone, Grace is reading a Mad magazine, Victoria is chewing gum and trying not to step on cracks, Arthur is careening around in a perpetual attempt at manifesting raw chaos. Mom looks up from her phone and sniffs the air.]

MOM: A fart is not an appropriate response to the question.

DAD: You asked what I thought about bran, it seemed like a clear non-verbal message.

GRACE: You’re gross, dad.

VICTORIA: Stinky daddy!


MOM: Children, please don’t bully your father in public.

DAD: Thank you.

MOM: But also you do smell bad; I wish you would shower.

DAD: A lot of people do.

[Arthur runs off stage.]

DAD: ARTHUR! Don’t run off where we can’t see you! And he’s gone.



Q.P. Quaddle

Top Writer Humor, Top Writer Satire, Just another freak in the freak kingdom.