Station Zebra Orientation Hazing
Station Zebra Orientation Hazing
An Out Of The Hat Play
by Jeremiah Liend
Location: Antarctica
Object: Funnel
First Line: The possibility of a cow stealing your shoes is low, but never impossible.
Performers: 2 Male 1 Female
Scene: The front porch of Antarctic International Research Station Zebra (AIRSZ)
Characters:
Yuri — Male Russian microbiologist and station chief. Speaks with a thick Russian/Borat accent.
Olga — Female Norwegian astrophysicist and station human resources officer. Speaks with thick Scandinavian accent.
Greg — Male American theater artist and new supply officer.
Scene: The front porch of the Antarctic International Research Station is cold but not intolerably so, it is summer in Antarctica. Enter Olga who is holding a clipboard and backpack containing all props. She is followed by Greg who is barely dressed, not wearing any shoes, and is desperately clinging to his orientation packet. Yuri enters last, he is writing a note on his clipboard while nodding enthusiastically.
YURI. The possibility of a cow stealing your shoes is low, but never impossible.
GREG. There aren’t any cows in Antarctica, Yuri. I know you stole my shoes.
YURI. Are you accusing station chief of crime, nwb?
GREG. Yuri, I’m tired of this hazing. It’s freezing cold and I don’t have a coat or shoes. Ha ha.
OLGA. Ees something vee do fur all da new personnel. Yust look in yer “Station Zebra Orientation Hazing Handbook”! No need to git fussy. Leetle baby fussy boy.
YURI. Thank you, human resource officer Olga. You are right, he ees fussy little baby boy.
GREG. How much more physical and psychological torture before this is done? This is the single worst orientation I’ve ever suffered through, and I worked at Walmart!?
(Yuri and Olga gasp.)
YURI. EEf you have been brick in Wal, zen zees ees… piece of cake. Cake walk. Easy cake.
OLGA. Ees easy baby cake, just stop the cry baby poopy pants unt vee get through it.
(Yuri counts.)
YURI. But to answer earlier question, vee have 4 more onboarding infopoint torture tests.
OLGA. Baby crying boy baby seems to not mind zee cold?
YURI. Da, most people in snow without shoes cry?
GREG. This isn’t that cold.
OLGA. Ver in da USA you say you’re from?
GREG. You wouldn’t know it.
YURI. Station chief Yuri know every city in USA. Vere you from?
GREG. It’s a town called Bemidji.
OLGA. Yeah, Olga know Bemidji.
YURI. Da, Yuri too.
GREG. What!? How!?
OLGA. Olga make lefse in Norwegian village for a few years after university.
YURI. Yuri study zebra muscle for postgrad. Fargo TV series. Paul and Babe. Curling Capital USA.
GREG. Well… what are the odds?
YURI. Yuri will run statistics later. For now tell Yuri mother’s maiden name.
GREG. What!? No! Why!?
OLGA. As part of hazing vee open up credit card in yer name unt ruin yer credit score.
GREG. Worst. Orientation. Ever.
YURI. Da, da, you say. Come, you tell Yuri I write down.
GREG. Sanderson.
OLGA. Good! Good hazing. Now you receive infopoint: pay day every two weeks wit pay period Wednesday unt fiscal year ending June 31 .
YURI. Good infopoint, Olga. You so good at zis job. Olga made to human resource.
(Olga blushes.)
OLGA. Oh, station chief Yuri, you are too kind.
GREG. OK, that’s one. NEXT!
YURI. DA! Now station chief Yuri and human resource officer Olga spit on your naked feet.
(Before Greg can object, Yuri and Olga are showering his feet in repeated spits. They should do so no less than a dozen times each. Until it becomes impossible to produce saliva.)
OLGA. Olga all out of spit.
YURI. Da, ees good. We do good work, here.
GREG. It was warm but then froze. Why did you both have those massive glasses of milk for lunch!?
YURI. Infopoint: Every personnel member only allowed 4 squares of toilet tissue per day. That’s squares, not handfuls. Anyone caught using more than 4 will be whipped with soap een socks.
GREG. Soap in socks!?
OLGA. Ya, you ever see dat feelm “Full Metal Jacket”?
GREG. Of course I’ve seen “Full Metal Jacket”! I am a master of liberal studies!?
YURI. Zen you know routine. Helpful rhyme: More than four, we put on floor.
OLGA. Nature ees cruel, vee must be crueller.
YURI. DA! Zees is fun one. Olga, the bottle!
(Olga produces a bottle of yellow liquid from the backpack.)
GREG. What is that?
YURI. Ees shaman pee, you only need a little sip.
GREG. I’m not drinking pee.
YURI. No no, ees special shaman pee.
OLGA. Veet mushrooms!
YURI. Da, vell FROM zee mushroom. Well, ze shaman eat the mushroom, then they pee, then you drink, chemical reaction? Ees religious.
GREG. This is not worth $10 an hour.
OLGA. Yust a leetle pee pee between friends.
(Olga pours out some hallucinogenic pee for everyone. Yuri toasts.)
YURI. Na Zdorovie.
(All drink. All gag. All realize it was a bad decision.)
YURI. Eets gross, but we able to see music, soon. Amanita muscaria. You google some time.
OLGA. Infopoint: Supply ship come every two months, vee can miss two before ze cannibalism.
YURI. You find cannibalism flow chart een addendum.
OLGA. Vee eat ze nwbs first, so watch out!
GREG. OK, noted, thanks. Next torture?
YURI. First pets name?
GREG. You already have all of my security questions!?
YURI. FIRST PET NAME!
OLGA. YOU ANSWER STATION CHIEF YURI! HE KEEP STATION RUNNING LIKE VELL OILED MACHINE!!!
GREG. PATCHES!?
YURI. Good good. Dumb name for pet, but good we are almost done.
OLGA. Olga never hear such dumb pet name.
GREG. Your words hurt.
YURI. Infopoint: Labels. Anything without label is Yuri’s.
GREG. OK… is there a label gun?
GREG. And… can I use it?
YURI. Niet. Label gun Yuri’s.
OLGA. Nwb almost onboarded.
YURI. Da, Greg will make capable supply officer second class.
GREG. Gee. Thanks.
OLGA. Olga get zee syrup funnel.
YURI. Zees best part of hazing, you get to wash down pee with bottle of maple syrup.
GREG. Syrup funnel?
(Olga produces a food grade funnel and bottle of maple syrup [can be ice tea or pantomimed])
GREG. That looks like an oil funnel.
OLGA. Olga wash machine oil off herself.
YURI. No crybaby excuse. You drink whole bottle, or must wear diaper outside pants for month.
GREG. The remaining month?
OLGA. Full 30 days. Depends overnight.
GREG. OK, let’s do it.
YURI. Yuri record on phone for whenever back in service area. Maybe 2035.
OLGA. You must open ze throat, don’t inhale, use yer nose. NOW CHUG!!!
YURI. CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
(They chant encouragements as Yuri braces Greg and helps hold the funnel. Greg struggles but power pounds a whole bottle of syrup. Yuri and Olga cheer and applaud when he finishes. Greg releases a wet belch.)
GREG. I’m… pre diabetic.
YURI. Don’t go crybaby on us now! You almost there!
GREG. The last infopoint?
YURI. Last infopoint zis. Vee are family here. Vee are in middle of nowhere without anything but each other. So for while we are here, vee are family.
(Yuri gives Greg a hug and smooches on his cheeks.)
OLGA. Velkomst! Ve are so excited to have you here!
(Olga also hugs Greg.)
GREG. Well… thanks, I guess.
YURI. Dobro pozhalovat. No problem. Yuri need to clear air, cow deed not take your shoes.
YURI. Yuri and team play hilarious prank. Let’s get those shoes for your whore feet.
GREG. What the hell!?
OLGA. Greg veet ze whore feet!
GREG. Don’t tell anyone about my feet…
YURI. Da. Yuri too busy ruining credit.
OLGA. Oh! Vee forget zee right of challenge!
YURI. Boish moi! Zee right of challenge!?
GREG. The right of challenge?
OLGA. Yah. Ze station manager can be challenged anytime by anyone willing to go “Vull Shackleton”.
GREG. “Full Shackleton”? Like Earnest Shackleton, the explorer?
YURI. Da! Da, legend has eet he vus ze first!
GREG. So what do you have to do?
OLGA. Catch unt penguin, unt eat it raw.
YURI. Da, but no vone has gone “Full Shackleton” in zis century.
GREG. Like those penguins?
(Greg runs into the audience towards a stuffed and/or puppet penguin planted in the audience. His absurd and vicious attack is described by the horrified/impressed onlookers.)
OLGA. Look at him run!?
YURI. Like antelope on amphetamine!
OLGA. Oh, he got one!
(A penguin screams. Greg sinks his teeth in.)
OLGA. Herregud, he’s really doing eet!
YURI. He’s gone “Full Shackleton”
(Reenter Greg awash in penguin blood. Yuri silently hands his clipboard over to Greg.)
GREG. Listen to me. I’m the station chief now. Get in there.
(Yuri and Olga start to walk offstage.)
GREG. And take off your shoes…
(Olga and Yuri look at Greg, frightened. Then Greg laughs, and everyone laughs. Then stops.)
GREG. Don’t make me repeat myself.
(Exit all in worried silence.)
Originally published at http://www.gonzotheater.com on August 11, 2024.
