Taylor Swift Kicks Superbowl Winning Field Goal.

Q.P. Quaddle
4 min readFeb 7, 2024

In a stunning turn of events never predicted by even the weirdest of sports commentators, pop icon and award-winning musical producer Taylor Swift kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl 57. Despite never having played the sport before, Swift was recruited from the audience by none other than Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid in a desperate citing of arcane NFL rules that allow an audience member to participate if for the cause of True Love. Swift agreed, with the caveat that she would also be the one to collect the ball if the kick was missed. The game was a close one, with the Kansas City Chiefs trailing 24 to 26 against the San Francisco 49ers. Kansas City had the ball in their possession with less than a minute to go in the 4th quarter.

As the fans were distracted by the national anthem, Swift had snuck into the Chiefs’ locker room and put on a number 3 jersey, claiming her right to the number under a lesser-known NFL rule that states any member of an audience with a personal brand worth more than $1 billion is automatically assigned the number 3 jersey if they choose to participate in a game. Swift had previously expressed her interest in becoming a football player to People magazine, after attending a game to which Travis Kelce took her as a date in 2023.

Swift had been seen wearing Chiefs jerseys to multiple games following the invitation from Kelce and was reported to have become a large fan of the game. This past December, she purchased her own number 3 jersey from the Chiefs team store. She spent the rest of the game disguised as an intern, wearing a Kansas City Chiefs hat and pretending to be a photographer, taking pictures of the game with a huge camera. With 20 seconds left, she slipped onto the field to take her kick.

The football was kicked with such force that it was reported to have made a sonic boom audible in the stadium and surrounding areas. It was also reported by fans watching the game on TV that the ball turned a bright purple color, the same as the signature color of Swift’s “Lover” album, despite the pigskin originally being a natural brown color. A video still shot of the event is available above and can be seen to reveal Swift wearing her number 3 jersey during the play.

The game ended with the Kansas City Chiefs winning 27 to 26. Swift was escorted off the field and met with members of the Kansas City Chiefs at the 50-yard line.

The referees for Super Bowl 57 had all been replaced by the same referees that officiated the 2017 playoff game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Pittsburgh Steelers. At the time of the swap, it was suspected that the referees had been replaced by Chiefs fans, but it was later revealed that Taylor Swift herself had hired them. Swift is a known lover of cats, and as such, her relationship with the former referees is likely not a romantic one, as they are rumored to have allergies to cats.

Swift was given the MVP award of the game, a trophy that had been stolen and replaced with a replica in 2022. She was also given the Lombardi trophy, which was melted down and made into a replica of one of her own Grammys. Swift was seen with teammates in the locker room after the game, where she stated that she was “proud to have won the Super Bowl” for them.

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Originally published at http://www.gonzotheater.com on February 7, 2024.

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Q.P. Quaddle

Top Writer Humor, Top Writer Satire, Just another freak in the freak kingdom. www.churchofq.com